happy birthday

My birthday's almost here. I had my first midlife crisis when I turned 20, and there have been aftershocks every year since.

I'll be turning 25 on Thursday, and it really is a bit depressing. Quarter of a century. At or past the peak of physical ability. If one is to believe the blockbuster math movies, my time for discovering earth-shattering mathematical equations has also passed. If I'm honest with myself, that last one probably wasn't going to happen anyway, but it's a bit depressing nonetheless.

The only bright spot I can see, really, is that I'll be in the clear for renting cars -- no surcharges for being too young, etc. But then I have to balance that against my impending death. So really, this birthday comes down to rental car access vs. impending death. The scale seems a bit unbalanced, and becomes even more so when I realize that I've only rented a car a total of two times in my life, and both of those times were in countries that didn't have surcharges anyway.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. once said that if you haven't accomplished anything great by the time you're 40, it isn't going to happen. I better get cracking.

i've come for your soul

So there's this thing I do every once in a while when I'm able to catch my wife unaware. I suck out her soul. It's an easy process, really. Just sneak up to your wife (preferably when she's asleep), put your open mouth against or near hers, and inhale.

My wife, however, doesn't always like this. In fact, I can't think of one time that she's liked it. I explain to her that I'm sucking her soul out and that the Maoris traditionally do something vaguely similar when greeting each other, but it doesn't really matter to her. As a result, successful soul suckings have become a rarity around here.

That is, until I realized something: we have a dog. A dog with a really small snout, which would allow me to wrap my mouth around it without having to actually touch anything but fur. So I decided to try it one day (my wife was there, which significantly decreases the freakiness factor), and, seeing as how little dogs likely have little souls, I gave it just a tiny suck. He didn't seem to mind, but I quickly heard the little guy's stomach gurgle, which was really a bit disconcerting, even for a soul sucker. So no more for me, thank you. I've sworn off soul sucking forever.

nicaragua, here we come

We've found it. Does anyone know if they sell island insurance? One high tide that's a little too high, and we're done for.


resumé fodder

A number of my classmates at law school come from a long line of lawyers, judges, etc. Me, not so much. In thinking about my familial legal qualifications, this is what I came up with: One grandfather convicted of armed robbery, one cousin (second cousin, actually) currently serving time for murder, and one uncle who is currently running an illegal bookie service. One of his customers is a police officer though, so I think that technically makes it legal.

Clearly I'm destined for greatness.


i will have talent no more, forever

So I just got an email from a friend whom I haven't seen in a long time. What did he have to say? "I just made the round of blogs, and not surprisingly, yours wasted the most time." Thanks.

He'll be eating his words after he looks below, however. Chief Joseph, meet Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton, Chief Joseph. What? What's that, you say? You two already know each other? You go to the same hair salon? Well, I'll be. I'm surprised I didn't notice it earlier.

Can't wait until she catches on to the Amazonian bowl cut. Then again, I think that was in during junior high.


may-widge, part II (but only in massachusetts)

I knew there was one thing I left out. I forgot to mention the little episode where we sat next to a former classmate of my wife. My wife hadn't seen this classmate since high school and asked, among other things, whether she was married. There was a slightly awkward silence, then the former classmate finally said "no". Huh. Seemed innocent enough, until later on in the service, when I realized that the guy in a nice suit and tie sitting next to the former classmate, with his arm around her, was...not a guy. Oh, OK. Talk about an epic wedding.

P.S. In all fairness towards my wife, the former classmate was wearing a ring on her ring finger, so I would have perhaps made the same mistake, were I observant enough to notice the ring at all.



A week ago tomorrow, I was at perhaps the best wedding I've ever been to, including my own. And I think my wife will agree. Why was this the best wedding I've ever been to, you ask? Allow me to share with you three highlights.

Highlight #1: The wedding was outdoors in a grassy area, with the bridal party standing on a short but steep hill and the guests sitting on a flat area at the base of the hill. The fun part was that the bridesmaids all had spiked heels. I personally have only walked in the grass in spiked heels once or twice, but from what I remember, it's a bear. Add to that the short but steep hill that the bridal party had to scale, and you have quite a gauntlet. No one actually fell (in this part of the wedding), but the guests did cheer for each bridesmaid as they walked down the hill at the end of the ceremony.

Highlight #2: Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back". Played during the reception. As requested by the groom. Followed by a rush to change the song, followed again by a collective hiss from the crowd when it had indeed been changed.

Highlight #3 (save the best for last): The best highlight of all? Watching one of the bridesmaids faint. Twice. The first time was best, because not only did she faint, but she also ROLLED DOWN THE HILL. I kid you not. It was the best thing I'd ever seen at a wedding. I told my wife that I wish we had thought of having that at our own. Though the bridesmaid(unfortunately) didn't roll down the hill the second time, it was still a pretty good one as well, since she was standing up there obviously embarrassed, hiding her head behind the bouquet - until fate struck yet again. As she was standing with her head hidden, you could see the bouquet slowly lower until you could see her eyes, rolling back into her head just moments before she slumped into the arms of another bridesmaid. Did I mention that the bride pointed and laughed? And through it all, the girl singing kept belting it out, not missing a beat. I loved every moment.

A disclaimer: If you are reading this and happen to be someone who was intimately involved with the wedding, my apologies. I actually had a really good time (as you might be able to tell), plus I thought the food was awesome and the ceremony was [insert here some adjective that a man can use to describe a wedding in a positive way without sound effeminate]. And I liked that the ceremony was outdoors. And not overly long. There, hopefully I've redeemed myself.