i've come for your soul

So there's this thing I do every once in a while when I'm able to catch my wife unaware. I suck out her soul. It's an easy process, really. Just sneak up to your wife (preferably when she's asleep), put your open mouth against or near hers, and inhale.

My wife, however, doesn't always like this. In fact, I can't think of one time that she's liked it. I explain to her that I'm sucking her soul out and that the Maoris traditionally do something vaguely similar when greeting each other, but it doesn't really matter to her. As a result, successful soul suckings have become a rarity around here.

That is, until I realized something: we have a dog. A dog with a really small snout, which would allow me to wrap my mouth around it without having to actually touch anything but fur. So I decided to try it one day (my wife was there, which significantly decreases the freakiness factor), and, seeing as how little dogs likely have little souls, I gave it just a tiny suck. He didn't seem to mind, but I quickly heard the little guy's stomach gurgle, which was really a bit disconcerting, even for a soul sucker. So no more for me, thank you. I've sworn off soul sucking forever.